The amount of self-acceptance you have could be linked to how bully-proof you are.
If you look back at bullying experiences that you have overcome, what would you say has changed? For example, when I was at school, people used to make fun of a mole on my left cheek. However, i grew to appreciate it as I got older and now no one could bully me about it and no one ever tries. If they did I would be able to laugh them off.
Therefore, it is a good time to give yourself a self-acceptance M.O.T.. Acceptance and confidence are not the same thing.
In terms of bullying in the workplace, here is an article with a few tips, but mostly about a book by Aryanne Oade.
What is the difference between acceptance and confidence?
Acceptance is anything you do not want to change. We do not need to change our faults as they are part of what make us a human being. It seems as if confidence gets all the press, while acceptance works away behind the scenes. Acceptance is allowing things to be how you are. If you look at the word acceptance, it has the word accept in it meaning “to receive” or “to take” or having access. It is allowance and letting things be as they are.
Confidence is the ability to say whatever you want without worrying about what other people think, or seeming to. We all show confidence in something we are good at, no matter what people say. If you look at the word, it contains “to confide” in it, showing that people will give you information. As the expression goes “information is power”. Information also breeds confidence.
I must add that the difference between confidence, which is attractive, and arrogance, which tends to repel people, is that there is responsibility in what we say. We are free to say whatever we choose, so long as we take the response. An arrogant person, by contrast, may dismiss or invalidate a response, which is anti-social behaviour.
Acceptance drives confidence
Have you ever met someone who seems very confident but claims to have low-self esteem? Does this person ever talk about their flaws or their faults? A person who is, or wants to seem, confident will not try and be perfect or to hide any part of themselves from you. This is also, sadly, how confidence tricksters operate. By turning on the tears or confiding “a secret” they want to appear “confide-nt”, someone with the strength to let others in. By gathering a fuller picture of this person before you make your mind up about them is a good way to protect yourself from people who set out to deceive.
How can someone learn to accept themselves? This seems particularly difficult when someone keeps pointing out your faults or criticizing you? However, why do they do that? Author, vulnerability expert and leadership coach Brene Brown calls this – quote – sitting in the cheap seats – end quote. The phrase “mind your own business” is revealing to help us distinguish between criticism or judgment and feedback or a response. Feedback is – quote – take it or leave it – but it still requires a response.
Responding
Let’s say someone criticises you. One way people do this is to judge and criticse our communication or social skills when they want to dominate us. They may say – quote – what are you on about? That’s a load of rubbish – and that is difficult to respond to.
The feedback we could take from this is that they didn’t understand your point. A response could be to ask them what they understood. Or perhaps to ask them to let you try again to convey your point. However, there is never an excuse for rudeness. You do not have to take it. Essentially, we want to take things, which are useful and can benefit ourselves and leave things which make us feel worse or life seem harder. However, it is hard to walk away when the person is a friend. One way of responding is to say “What’s up?” and perhaps the person might start to say what is on their mind.
Like bullying, aggressive behaviour or rudeness often stems from someone’s internal life.
Feedback versus Criticism
Speaking as someone who once wrote theatre reviews for a newspaper group, criticism and feedback are vastly different. Ideally, feedback from diverse points of view is the most helpful. Someone may be very vocal or another could have needed to gather their courage to tell you what they think. We cannot know, when the person is a stranger. We have to give a stranger the benefit of the doubt.
A good response to feedback is to acknowledge it and thank the person, ensuring you let them know you have understood their message. Essentially, that is all people want for speaking out. Those few who want to take control are bad news. That is when their feedback has crossed the line into criticism. At that point, the sentiment for this is “mind your own business”. Imagine a customer walking into a shop and saying – quote -I didn’t like this product because it tasted weird – end quote – and the business saying – quote – thank you for letting us know – end quote. Then the next customer says – quote – you ought not to sell these as they’re disgusting – end quote – and that would be minding your business, not providing feedbak.
They might have lost someone they loved or received bad news and be acting out, but this is a temporary blip and you will find out who they really are in happier circumstances.
A personal account
As a young person I felt very wrong. It seemed as if I had to try harder than everyone else but i still got all the flack. The harder I tried, the more I felt like a scapegoat for everybody else’s problems. This drove me on a quest for self improvement. No matter how much I read or learned, it still seemed as if I would be singled out for attack from others.
The result of this was that I got very anxious when speaking in groups of people. This could easily be attributed to being hard of hearing as I found it extra difficult to hear what people were saying in groups. Having one-to-one phone conversations was always much easier. I also realise now, that hearing what someone is actually saying becomes harder, when their body language tells you a different story. It is hard to trust someone you think might be lying to you. When someone is born with hearing loss, they never lose pre-verbal communication, which are the thousands of messages a baby picks up before they learn speech.
As I read books such as The Power of Now to be in the moment, or Daring Greatly to stop trying to be perfect and be more open or Men’s Search for Meaning to find a life purpose, I still got anxious with lots of people around. It seemed as if people didn’t really think about what they were saying. Communication was becoming like a minefield and traversing it was increasingly hazardous.
Isolation to Acceptance
One thing that makes it hard to imagine accepting oneself is feeling different or alone. If we lack confidence expressing ourselves, it becomes much harder to tell other people what is going on. Breaking down the barriers we build around ourselves to connect with others might be one of the hardest tasks to accomplish alone. Early attempts to change can leave us feeling unsatisfactory, unaccepted, ridiculous or just plain wrong.
To me, it felt as if life was very unfair. There seemed to be one set of rules for me and another set for everyone else. Job interviews became increasingly difficult, the more urgently I needed to earn a living, so I had to do something. I took up stand-up comedy. I will be sharing what I learned and how humour gives us a fresh perspective on anything on a course soon: Comedy For Confidence.
Attempting comedy in front of a live audience certainly helped with the job interviews. However, when listening to other comedians, I still felt different and wrong. No one seemed to really understand so I could never talk about. However, I recently viewed Billy Connolly’s comedy course on BBC Maestro and only just found out: I was right to follow my instincts and often other stand-up comedians say anything rather than “I don’t know”.
This is like asking directions in a strange town – quote Which way is Leicester Square? end quote. They don’t want to be distracted and quickly snubbed with a trite – quote – OK. You don’t know! Don’t worry! – end quote – before they’ve had a second to think about it, so instead say – quote – yes, it’s straight up there on the right – end quote – sending you in the polar opposite direction.
Surprising Results
In all the reading, thinking and changing approach and attitude, I still felt very anxious when speaking in front of a group of people. When the anxiety totally consumed me, it all went awry. There didn’t seem to be anything that would cure it.
However, the therapist I went to see was also a hearing aid wearer. She could see the point of view of someone who could not hear easily and provided me with many pieces of information that I had never found in books or groups or on courses. These were about why people behaved as they did, how people worked and about boundaries.
Understanding how people worked led me to speaking up more, which yielded positive responses and those in turn encouraged me to speak up more often. I noticed that people who respected me stuck around and people who had taken advantage of me didn’t like it and walked away. What stopped happening, which I was most scared about, was upsetting people unintentionally and them cutting me off without explanation. I am still wary of people who do this to others. If someone upsets me, i will tell them and if they don’t understand that, there will be an email.
Speak Up for Myself
The result of the silent snubbing was that I tried harder, said what people wanted to hear, listened to other people’s problems and didn’t speak up for myself. However, that steel exterior didn’t hold forever and every so often I had a complete meltdown.
The result was that I learned to accept myself much more. I understood people better, found it easier to see things from others’ points of view and this was very revealing. It led me to feel much less alone, different, wrong and isolated. Looking back, this year of therapy from Alison led me out of isolation and an end to blaming myself for everything to start learning how to accept myself.
I wrongly thought that I had completely accepted myself. However, I think, using hindsight, it is always better to have those golden moments of self-discovery to look forward to.
In 2011 I moved to Cornwall and by chance ended up working for a local art space and making a new friend, who seemed very confident, open, able to be vulnerable, accepting and funny. I went from being resentful towards my family for not supporting and encouraging me in my creative pursuits to starting to open up and say things I had never dared reveal about myself before.
Reality Better Than Inside our Heads
Some of the worst bullying, brutality, criticism, judgement, unfairness and unkindness happens inside our own heads. We can all have negative thoughts sometimes. Perhaps with a hangover or when our plans have been thwarted or after hearing bad news.
Escaping a bullying voice inside our own heads is a crucial first step to self-acceptance. However, it is the hardest and the biggest step. It is definitely about leaving our comfort zone permanently and never retreating.
If you search for “self-acceptance” online, it is very likely you will find preachy articles telling you to do what you know to do but haven’t discovered how. However, there are some very helpful articles out there, which I found provided some seldom spoken secrets to self acceptance.
This article on the Tiny Buddha website by Francesca Harris introduces the one difference she made to her life that led her to complete self acceptance.
Part Self-Acceptance Can Hide the Truth
There were still things about me other people could see and tried to point out to me that I didn’t completely accept myself. These were in my blind spot. I had decided that stage fright was because of my personality and had given up trying to find out what caused it.
Not accepting myself completely was actually not accepting myself at all. Whenever someone asked me why I exhibited so many anxious behaviours such as drinking lots of alcohol in awkward social situations, I didn’t know what to do. I thought it was because most people were too selfish or thoughtless to connect with others are remained in their own little worlds. Naturally, when an argument occurred with a friend, I could not see how I was responsible. I thought because I had done loads of work on myself, read books, gone to therapy and as I accepted myself, it must be their fault.
Without realizing it, I had given up my quest for self-discovery. I had stopped looking into my lowering self-esteem, erratic stand-up comedy performances and drinking more alcohol around certain people to ask why. I had mistakenly accepted my lifelong idiosyncrasy, winding off-topic and going around the houses as something that I couldn’t change. In Logan Murray’s excellent book Get Started In Stand-up Comedy, he points out that the comedian must make their point clearly and quickly, tell the audience what their attitude is to their subject matter and be consistent. No room for rambling.
Complete Self-Acceptance to Become Bullyproof
The last step before the realization that I could choose not be bullied required the uncomfortable realization that there was one aspect of me that I didn’t accept. Therefore, it felt as if I was being bullied when this aspect was revealed. A friend could not understand why I reacted to her more than to another friend. I struggled to explain that the other person was coming from a place of acceptance. I tried saying it was tone of voice, but that wasn’t it.
Firstly, I felt that I got caught in a vicious circle of lack of confidence. In other words, in group situations, I lacked confidence in the conversation – something I had worked on to improve but still felt like the scapegoat. I felt as if people, friends, my father, step-family and brother could all dominate me when I lacked confidence. I felt manipulated, but here’s the interesting thing: I was manipulating other people to try to get them to understand my point of view without seeing theirs.
This was the thing I most despised: I was asking for “special treatment” whereas this is the one thing that hides the truth from us. I thought that because I lacked confidence in certain situations that people could be more kind and understanding as that was my strategy to try and stop people pushing my more sensitive buttons. I was protecting my Achilles Heel.
The Final Realisation
As was very wisely written by ancient Persians and since, “others are merely a mirror of you’. This is interesting as I always forget I see the mirror before I see me. Every time. Therefore, I saw that another person didn’t accept themselves and then the realisation came: that I didn’t accept myself. I may have accepted many things about myself, but there was a core part of me that I didn’t accept.
Therefore, to become completely bully-proof I had to choose to accept myself completely, even things I didn’t like about myself. I had never admitted before that I didn’t like, and got very annoyed with myself about, not being able to express myself well sometimes.
After remembering a friend saying that the things that annoyed them about me were what annoyed them about themselves, I came to the final realisation that I hadn’t come to accept myself completely. Therefore, I still experienced bullying when the part of me I didn’t accept emerged to the surface.
Here are the changes that could happen to your life in areas that you accept according to Lifehack. That is why they say resistance is futile or what you resist persists.
This has bought me to channelling the many interests I have gathered into online course creation. I have chosen LucyGriffiths.com to learn how to link up a website platform to host videos, create slide decks, record audio, edit videos, write sales copy, connect up with emails and logins and do social media marketing and SEO. The idea for my first course will be Comedy For Confidence, drawing on what I’ve learned and how to use humour to enhance life opportunities.
The great is: we all have an inner comedian. They may raise their head at a party, recovering with a hangover, in a job interview, meeting a new person, on a date or in a tense work situation. Firstly, it is recognising it, then using anything unique about you and your experiences to create humour.
My recent focus on comedy has rekindled some happy memories, which point to where the stage fright I had until recently emerged from. In the 70s, I loved watching comedy, particularly about current affairs, topical humour and politics. I would even fast forward the music acts. At sixth form college I was asked to tell stories for a laugh at break times and that felt amazing. During my art degree, I wrote the satirical stories for a magazine we made together.
Then in 1992, my mum died. Suddenly, my world changed from being able to have a rant about my contact lenses, to be diffused with laughter and impersonations – quote – I’m sooooo annoyed – end quote – everyone started to take me too serious and treated me with kid gloves. They’d say – quote – calm down, don’t get so upset, you’ll give yourself a heart attack – end quote – and I felt the funny side of me was totally shut down. The Billy Connolly course on BBC Maestro has reawoken that part of me, reminding me that laughing at me or laughing with me are the same: laughing. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.